


I Deserved It

by slainesplushass



Series: Slaine Week 2016 [1]
Category: Aldnoah.Zero (Anime)
Genre: Blood, Death, Implied hasure/harkslaine, Other, Slaine Week, Violence, all characters aside from slaine are very briefly mentioned, implied rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-01-12
Packaged: 2018-05-13 07:39:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5700355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slainesplushass/pseuds/slainesplushass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even after everything, deep down you knew that this was inevitable</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Deserved It

**Author's Note:**

> It’s Slaine’s birthday and yet I, the biggest shitlord, wrote and posted this. Special thanks to noravalkyrie on tumblr for helping me out w grammar and punctuation!

It’s become routine by now. At precisely 6:00am every morning a guard will drag you out by the arm to the cafeteria for “breakfast,” where the only thing you would eat is the insults and slurs thrown at you from the other inmates. Occasionally one of them would get pissed off at your presence enough to get physical. Punches, kicks, full-on beatings; sometimes the others would just watch, sometimes they’d cheer on. Most of the times they’d join in. On the inside you kind of hoped one of them would get pissed off enough to beat you to death, but even the inmates refused to give you mercy.  
Maybe you deserved it.  
The thought has crossed your mind many times during the course of the 7 months you’ve been in this hellhole. Did you really deserve to be here? Did you deserve the things that have been done to you? Does it really matter now?  
You jammed your index and middle finger down your throat and immediately the meal you had just eaten spilled out from your stomach onto the bathroom floor. You felt a little bad for the person who has to clean these bathrooms at the end of the day, but at the same time it didn’t really matter to you.  
Nothing did.  
It was almost over.  
You could practically feel your insides eating themselves.  
Starving yourself wasn’t something you’d ever thought you would do considering the krill you ate on Vers had practically already done it for you, but here you were, vomiting whatever these people fed you, without a single ounce of regret. You knew that the second they had locked you up in this cell that you wanted death and nothing else. Maybe you knew this before. Maybe it was when you watched the last person to ever care for you sacrifice his life with some feeble hope in his heart that you can be safe. Maybe it was when you had to kill your own father to defend someone who turned her back on you despite all of your sacrifices for her.  
Maybe it was when you felt the electricity surge through your body and the whip cracking through your skin and the only thing you could hear in your head was the word “scum”.  
But that didn’t matter now.  
You carefully turned on one of the sinks and rinsed your mouth, making sure to make as little noise as possible. In the 7 months you were here you realized that living a passive existence earned you the least amount of beatings. The other inmates seemed to just hate your very presence. You didn’t understand why, at least not until recently when one of them uttered two words:  
“Your fault.”  
You didn’t sleep that night. The tears soaked the pillow on your bed and you felt like you would just evaporate into nothingness. Maybe that inmate was just insulting you, but deep down you knew that they blamed everything on you.  
The only word on your mind was “Why?”  
“Why do you hate me?”  
“After everything I’ve done for you?”  
You didn’t want to believe Asseylum would do something like that. She could’ve been influenced by her husband, or even Kaizuka, but somewhere in your heart you knew that all of her compassion for you has evaporated.  
But maybe you deserved it.  
You sneak away as fast as possible back to your cell, and as soon as you sit down and start relaxing, you hear a guard calling you.  
“There’s a visitor”  
You can’t help the sigh of pure annoyance that escapes your lips, but nonetheless you really have no choice. You get up on your feet and extend your arms outwards so the guard can cuff you. He pulls on your arm and you can’t help the whine that escaped your lungs. It sounded pathetic.  
He escorts you to the room where Kaizuka was waiting for you. You walked inside with no hesitation, and sat on the chair opposite of the brown haired man. You felt him staring at you, but you refused to make eye contact with him.  
It was some kind of routine for him. He would visit you once a month and all he would do is ask questions, usually about your father and his research. You didn’t know the answer to a lot of them and when you did know, you didn’t tell him, out of pure spite.  
Sometimes he’d make statements about you. He’d ask you questions.  
“You’re hopeless”  
“You can redeem yourself”  
“You only harm those around you”  
“You can still help the princess”  
“He’s dead because of you”  
“You can fix the past.”  
You didn’t know which was the truth. You didn’t know why he kept visiting you. Maybe Asseylum still had some kind of use for you? Maybe they just took pleasure in watching you suffer. He made you want to die more than the inmates. He made you feel disgusted of yourself, like the only use you ever had was to be of service to the princess. A long time ago that would’ve made you ecstatic, but between the hundreds of beatings, the corpses she’s left on her way to her “peace” and the things you’ve had to sacrifice, you felt no compassion for this woman.  
It left you numb. The bruises and the broken bones, the scars on you body and on your mind, the nightmares of people touching you, _using_ you…  
It left you **numb**.  
But maybe you deserved it.  
The guard practically threw you in your cell after the session was over. You didn’t make an effort to get up, at least not for a while. It felt like forever until you dragged yourself onto the bed and fell asleep.  
Nothing changed the next day. You were woken up at 6:00am, dragged off for breakfast and beaten up by the other inmates as soon as the guards left. You barely dragged yourself back to the bathrooms to do your routine vomiting.  
It was red.  
You _smiled_  
With shaking hands you barely turned on the sink to wash yourself from the blood, and with shaking legs you started your usual trek back to your cell. Your legs felt heavier than lead, and your insides felt like they were on fire.  
It was agony.  
You wanted to scream.  
But all that came out was a laugh.  
And a cough.  
And another.  
You collapsed in the middle of the empty hallway, and your coughing kept getting louder and louder. The blood splattered on the floor, on your shirt, on your feet. Your vision started failing you. You felt your memories all come back. All of that agony, all the loss you had to endure, all of the things that were said to you, and as you collapsed in the pool of your own blood, as you felt your last breath escape your lungs, you couldn’t help but think  
That maybe  
just maybe  
You deserved it.


End file.
